I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
