I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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