just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
