if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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