Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
