It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
