Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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