he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
