Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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