I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
