It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
