Don't make out with my wife yet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
