i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
