Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
