We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
