Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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