walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
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DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
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Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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