he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
