that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
