Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
