i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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