i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
