Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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