How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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