I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
