There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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