toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
