Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
