your parents love me but you hate me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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