he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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