At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
