Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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