just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
