So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
