So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
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Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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