She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
