Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
