I am full of burrito and curiosity
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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