in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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