Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
