I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need water and some morals
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
