I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
