Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
