i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
