It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
