I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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