I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
