I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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