he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Enjoy the penises
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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