Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fill condoms, not promises.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
