Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
