omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
