There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
