I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
