My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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