They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
