I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
