I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs