3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.