He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
